Thanks

Thank you to those who sent me nice notes in response to the last post. This week has been one of the most difficult I have had in a long time (and it is only Thursday), coming on the tail of another challenging week. I am hoping to finish up with some lightness. I meant to respond personally, and I will as I get myself together here, but I wanted to say thanks.

Yesterday was the worst and last night I after Night Writers I fell apart at the feet of two very wise women and I am so grateful for their willingness to sacrifice their sleep and comfort to let me talk myself through some of the things I have been struggling with and share with me some of their own life lessons. Today of course, I am trying not to regret it.

I have a hard time trusting people with my weak moments. I talked to a friend about this once, and I think it comes down to me believing I am a pretty strong, happy, person and worrying that if people see me in a moment of weakness or frustration that they'll forever after that see me as this needy person. Gratefully, my moments of complete and utter overwhelmance (new word?) are few and so I generally find it safer to just get through them by closing my eyes and hanging on until it's over instead of asking for support. I am afraid that if others see me as incapable of dealing with my life, even for short periods of time, I might be judged (by myself and them) by that moment instead of who I feel like I truly am--the person I am the rest of the time. The majority of the time. While I believe I am shaped by my struggles to a certain extent, I don't believe that I am my struggles and I hate the idea of giving people that impression.

I have truly worked on overcoming this phobia and opening up in the past few years, but apparently it's time for me to kick this dish up a notch (bam-bam-bam). I am a believer in the idea that if a challenge comes to you, it's time to deal with it and you are ready to do it and have the tools even if you don't realize it. I suppose that is sort of encouraging when I think about it. I can do this. I can get through this. I am meant to get through it.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

- Anais Nin

Daily trauma--you know what I mean

For those who will fight bravely and not yield,

there is triumphant victory over all the dark things of life.

-James Allen

Yesterday was just one of those hard days when it starts out bad and just gets worse. It seems as though there are times when practically every struggle you have jumps up in your lap for a cuddle and doesn't want to get down.

I usally love the rain. Living in the Pacific Northwest, you don't have a lot of options if you want to be at peace with the weather. The last couple days though it has poured and poured and frankly, I am not in the mood. I could really use some sunshine.

I'm really grateful for modern medicine and a country that has adequate access to it for many people (I'd be dead several times over without it), yet navigating the healthcare and insurance systems is so frustrating and exhausting. I'm at the end of my rope with it all, once again. It seems like when this happens (which is does with miserable frequency), a step appears at the edge of the ledge and I manage to press on and find the competent and kind doctors I need. So for now, I will try to just be still, take a step back and wait for a solution that doesn't involve me hollering and any of my current "providers".

It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out--it's the grain of sand in your shoe.

-Robert Service

I'll pose these questions for anyone reading--answer all or none. Totally fishing for wisdom & clarity here :)

1. What do you do to cheer yourself up?

2. What do you do when you like a doctor and the office staff is terribly difficult to deal with?

3. When a someone tells you that they need space (from you), how do you react?

4. How do you approach projects that appear to be elephant-sized?

5. Do you let others' insecurities, negativity or frustration change your mood or attitude?

6. What keeps you going when others question your goals?

7. What do you find most challenging about building a close friendship?

You and I cannot give up, no matter what the size of our struggles. We were not meant to be fear-haunted and defeated nobodies. There is something deep in our hearts saying that we belong to something higher.
-Paul H. Dunn