"Today's problems cannot be solved if we still think the way we thought when we created them."
~Albert Einstein

Monday again and I find myself trying to swim to the surface yet again. Lately, I've been overwhelmed. Not by any one thing, just in general. Being a parent is a huge responsibility and so is caring for my home and family physically. With my shoulder injuries I'm in some level of pain pretty much all the time. I may have said this before, but my obituary will not be one of those that talks about how the deceased suffered chronic pain honorably without a murmur of complaint. Oh, I try not to bore people repeatedly with the details, but the reality is that it hurts and sometimes it really gets me down. I hate it when my house gets out of control and I fall behind in things that I want to get done because I just can't do as much as I'd like.

Yesterday was difficult. When we went to pick up the pizza the other night, I didn't notice Princess playing with the dome light in the car. My husband had early meetings at the church and got a ride when he realized the car was dead, but didn't call me until 30 minutes before we were supposed to be there to tell me. I was already frustrated and late (I am considering not sleeping Saturday nights in order to attempt to actually arrive on time with the kids) and so he tried to call around and find someone to come jump the car, but all of the good, on time people had already left and he's shy about asking for help anyway.

I got upset. I told him that if he wanted to be there on time, he should go sit down and not worry about us (I was very huffy about it, too). I seriously considered that maybe it was a sign from God and I should be allowed to stay home. The problem is that we live six blocks with nice sidewalks from the church. I take longer walks on a regular basis. Plus, Princess was supposed to do a thing in her class and I had the interest sheets for the HFPE groups I am trying to get off the ground...so I got us fed and dressed and loaded up the stroller with the 25 pound kid and the diaper bag and my church bag and put me and Princess' nice shoes in a bag and we got our walking shoes on us, and we hoofed it. Missed the first meeting, but we were late anyway, it really only took about 12 minutes to get there, walking slow. I'm considering doing it more often when the weather gets warmer.

I can't even go into the after-church drama, but we had a birthday party to go to and the Home Teachers coming over and a car that wouldn't start and a house so messy you couldn't get from the door to the couch. My husband is the most patient man in the world, and I am truly grateful for his kindness when I have a total freak-out. We were close yesterday.

All of this rambling does have something to do with the quote at the top. In moments of clarity, I remember that the busy-ness of my life is a choice. I love my life. From being with my kids all day, to church stuff, to CU and Night Writers and eBay and television. My life is full, and it's full of really good things. Clarity reminds me that everything will be okay, that I will be okay and that I need to smile and remember how grateful I am. When I get overwhelmed, like I have been the past week, I wonder why I do what I do--pretty much in every aspect of my life--and when I settle down I realize that it's my thinking that gets me to that place. When things pile up, I can choose to look at it as an abundance of blessings or as evidence I am inadequate at keeping my life together. When I feel my problems can not be solved, it is because I am thinking along the second set of lines instead of the first.

Today, I am going to remember who I am and see myself and my abundance as blessings.

Just fed Baby Bear lunch, or tried to, and got some classic "asleep in food" photos! He didn't wake up when I reclined the highchair, or when I washed his face, or when I scrubbed the Zwieback toast off his hands. Poor tired baby! He is trying so hard to get his teeth and it's wearing him out.

Getting ready for the Night Writer's HFPE group meeting tomorrow and I almost have things together. Each meeting we have a quote for inspiration/discussion, a writing exercise to do at the meeting and share, and a writing exercise on a 4x6 card that I send home with them. I started this group just before I found out I was pregnant with Baby Bear. I promptly became so sick I could not get out of bed, much less lead the group. Melynn came the rescue and took over, and under her watchful and experienced eye (she's a professional literary editor) it grew and flourished. We never discussed me "taking back" the group--in my mind it belonged to her as soon as she stepped in. We have a very talented group, with almost a dozen women now and half that many genres.

A couple months ago she told the group she wanted to change the format and was open to suggestions. I called to talk to her about it (I always have an opinion) and in the course of our conversation, she asked if I was interested in taking back over. She needed to step back, she said and so I told her I would do it. Part of me is so excited to be doing this again! I have loved participating and enjoy teaching in general and am thrilled to get to share my support and love of writing with these women that I have so much respect for. On the other hand, it's scary. I want to do right by them and provide a useful, positive outlet for them and I hope I am able to do it.

This will be my third meeting since taking over again. I think it is going well for the most part, except that last week I was 15 minutes late and we ran late, and I couldn't find the book I wanted and so was flustered when I needed to share the exercise because I didn't have the passage which explained it. I hope that they'll be patient with me and not start throwing rotten produce quite yet.

In addition to running this group, I am the group coordinator for my ward. I am still new to this, but the same sort of excitement and nerves come into play. I want to do right by the women in my ward. I want each one of them to have at least one need met through this program, which I do believe is Divinely inspired. I am still getting my feet under me, working out plans for group activities, trying to find people to lead the activities, praying a lot for inspiration. The program is pretty loosely defined in a lot of ways, so it has been a challenge to come up with parameters and purposes, but I think over all it is going well. Currently I am trying to create outlines for all the activities I want to start in 2008, considering a budget (which is currently non-existent--literally), and creating some serious advertising strategies and materials. Speaking of which, I should probably be doing that instead of this :)