Yesterday was the worst and last night I after Night Writers I fell apart at the feet of two very wise women and I am so grateful for their willingness to sacrifice their sleep and comfort to let me talk myself through some of the things I have been struggling with and share with me some of their own life lessons. Today of course, I am trying not to regret it.
I have a hard time trusting people with my weak moments. I talked to a friend about this once, and I think it comes down to me believing I am a pretty strong, happy, person and worrying that if people see me in a moment of weakness or frustration that they'll forever after that see me as this needy person. Gratefully, my moments of complete and utter overwhelmance (new word?) are few and so I generally find it safer to just get through them by closing my eyes and hanging on until it's over instead of asking for support. I am afraid that if others see me as incapable of dealing with my life, even for short periods of time, I might be judged (by myself and them) by that moment instead of who I feel like I truly am--the person I am the rest of the time. The majority of the time. While I believe I am shaped by my struggles to a certain extent, I don't believe that I am my struggles and I hate the idea of giving people that impression.
I have truly worked on overcoming this phobia and opening up in the past few years, but apparently it's time for me to kick this dish up a notch (bam-bam-bam). I am a believer in the idea that if a challenge comes to you, it's time to deal with it and you are ready to do it and have the tools even if you don't realize it. I suppose that is sort of encouraging when I think about it. I can do this. I can get through this. I am meant to get through it.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
- Anais Nin